A Piece of the Puzzle

I've never lived in a big city before. Raleigh, particularly for those that live downtown these days, probably feels like a big city, but it never did for me growing up. Chapel Hill, Konstanz, and Fort Collins were all little college towns. So Barcelona is my first experience living in a big city. And lately I've really been appreciating it. I know it's not for everyone. There are lots of people. Almost an unimaginable amount of people. I walk around the city and I gaze up at all the apartments, somewhat in awe of the number of lives happening all around me. I take the metro, which is regularly quite crowded and I sit and watch the people and the faces around me. They come in all different shapes and sizes, each with their style and their story, and I feel a deep appreciation for being around them. I think a lot of people probably missed this during COVID, that lack of human connection. I can't say that I ever really did at the time, but I feel now more than ever that I can relate to that sensation. An odd thing to say in what has been a particularly rainy winter, but more than anything it feels like warmth. The presence of bodies all around me makes me feel like I fit, like I'm just a small part of something bigger than myself.

Maria and I finished watching The Wire recently and I was left with a similar, satisfying sensation. The series intentionally comes full circle, showing that after 5 seasons spent with these people of Baltimore, nothing has really changed. There are still junkies getting high, still police officers chasing cases, still politicians doing whatever it takes to get reelected. Each has tried in their own way to make their impact on the city, but ultimately life goes on. And while it's possible that the intention of this message was a depressing realism, I couldn't help but feel grateful. Yes, life goes on, but I got to spend a bit of time with people trying to make their way through that life. Their stories will end, new stories will replace them, but witnessing the human experience and all that it entails left me more satisfied than somber.

And then the other day, sitting on our couch in our apartment, Maria told me that ICE had killed another person in Minnesota. I asked her if I wanted to see the video. Minutes later I was in tears. I watched state-sanctioned thugs in mismatched clothes murder a man. Not in a fictional world, in our world. And days later, I can't shake the feeling of helplessness. It's nice being one little piece of a massive puzzle when you can tell yourself the picture you are helping to form is ultimately a good one - flawed, human, but good. But when it is so nakedly displayed that aspects of that puzzle that you are helping to build are truly ugly, it feels a whole lot worse being a part of it. It makes you wonder - how can I make this picture prettier, how can I help prevent the ugly from happening in other parts of this collective? And I'm left without answers. I'm not particularly good at using my social media presence to make noise. I feel hypocritical. I donate, but the needs and the solutions of a dollar are not as obvious in this case as in others.

The post I saw that resonated with me the most was one that, in different words, posited that the best way you can help is by brightening those pieces of the puzzle you interact with. Buy/shop local, vote¹, read and listen to underrepresented voices, have difficult conversations. Practice empathy with those around you. Perhaps I liked this most because it was easiest and I'm lazy, but it's just so daunting to try to fix the whole puzzle, and so tangible to beautify the parts around you. Say hello to the cashier when you are checking out and ask them about their day. Thank the bus driver when you get off the bus. Take a moment to look at and appreciate the faces around you on the metro. Part of why I like living where I'm living is I feel I can help contribute to a more beautiful puzzle. I buy my meat at the butcher, who knows how I like my whole chicken cleaned and cut. We get our fruit and veggies in biweekly shipments from a program to support EU farmers by sending seasonal produce at fair prices. I pay relatively high taxes, proudly, to support a government that works hard to keep its piece of the puzzle as unblemished as possible. It's not much, it's not enough, I know that and don't pretend to be an angel. I also know that privilege, as always, plays a dominant role in my ability not just to beautify my piece of the puzzle, but even in my ability to view the puzzle as beautiful to start with. It looks a lot better from where I'm sitting, literally, typing this on my Mac in a cafe. Time, shelter, money, flexibility, choice. But I still think that fundamental idea, especially for those with similar privilege - "I'm not going to make my piece of the puzzle uglier, in fact I'll beautify it where I can" - is a reasonable ask. At least I'm going to tell myself that, and try to continue brightening the part of the puzzle I interact with. I don't know what else to do. I hope more than anything the institutions of government of the United States are strong enough to keep this darkness as a blip, an aberration, reversed when the people reject it in the years to come.

Thanks for reading! I wanted to point out that I've added a comments section here below each post if you scroll down. If you have any thoughts on this post or others, I would love to hear them.